my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
