My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
