just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
