He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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