you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
