It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
