i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
