I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
