The brown eye won't let me do that either.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
