I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
