i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
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There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
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Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
A+ Viking dick
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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