my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I pour the whiskey from now on
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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