My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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