I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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