Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
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Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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