the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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