Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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