I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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