he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
