You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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