Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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