chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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