It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
