She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
