I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Randomize