So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize