I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
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also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
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The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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