I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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