my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
