i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
