I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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