I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
