i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
