I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
