thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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