I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
