His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
