Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
