God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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