Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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