____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
