i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
