if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed