I'm jealous of your bromance
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
