so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
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The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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