I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
