My liver just broke up with me...
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
