i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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