I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
