Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
