he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
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