he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
